Grief, Rage and Prayer

Grief, Rage and Prayer is the title of a chapter in a book I'm reading by William A. Barry SJ - Paying Attention to God - Discernment in Prayer. One of the things I like best about Barry, who is a Jesuit spiritual director with a degree is psychology, is his insistence on honesty in healthy relationships. In this chapter, he discusses the "just world hypothesis" - an idea that gives us an understandable reason for why a bad thing happens (the victim deserved it) - and the damage embracing this theory can do to our relationship with Jesus/God. I saw myself in this chapter so often, that I thought I'd post some bits from it below ...

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Often enough, when tragedy strikes, religious people either say to themselves, or hear said, statements such as these: "God knows best what is good for us"; "Offer up the suffering for the good of others" ....

Truth to tell, all of us have a built in bias which social psychologists have recently named the "just world hypothesis". In a just world the innocent do not suffer. Hence we tend to look for the cause of suffering in something the sufferer did ... the just world hypothesis is so pervasive that even victims tend to blame themselves.

It is small wonder that such a hypothesis holds such sway. In a world where tragedy falls randomly, I may be the next victim. Worse yet, there is no way to protect myself or those dearest to me. And finally, if the world is not just, then what kind of God created it? Indeed, if the world is not just, is there a God? Is there any meaning in life? Such thoughts can cause great anxiety. Thus, there are powerful motives for holding adamantly to the just world hypothesis ...

What is our inner reaction when we hear stories of the unjust treatment of others or even more when we are the object of what seems to us unjust treatment? Are we not filled with anger, resentment, even rage? .... And if we have ever taken seriously the opening chapter of the book of Job, then we must have felt a flaring up of resentment at the way Job is tossed to Satan by God. But of course, most of us quickly resort to "better" thoughts about God ...

I suspect that many of us are prevented from a closer relationship to God by the suppression of anger and resentment at life's sufferings or of the anxiety that rises when we begin to question the just world hypothesis ...

We know what happens in a close relationship when one party gets very angry at the other because of a real or apparent injustice but suppresses the expression of the anger because of fear of the loss of the relationship or for some other reason. Conversations between them grow more polite and bland because to touch on serious issues would require opening up the raw wound .... Because the injured party did not want to risk losing "everything", i.e., the whole relationship, the relationship may be doomed to stagnation.

This same dynamic often operates in our relationship with God, that is, in our prayer. The suppression of anger or rage at God or of anxiety about the justice and meaning of life may create a gulf between us and God in our experience. He may seem "a million miles away" just when we need him most .... Ultimately, what keeps us from being honest with our human friends as well as with God is our fear that honesty will destroy the relationship. No wonder God seems "a million miles away" ....

I have known people who cursed and swore at God, some who felt that they were handing him back their entrance ticket to the universe, as it were. It really was explosive, like a dam bursting. And yet they did not find themselves totally alienated and lost. They felt, at the least, relieved that they had finally told the truth and that God had listened. Some have felt a deep compassion embracing them in their pain as though they they had been striking in rage at a parent who not only did not strike back, but held onto them with love and care ...

Moreover, they had entered into a more intimate relationship with God. Their prayer life changes, and for the better ... They have been as transparent before God as they could be and God has not only accepted them but embraced them ...

If we understand prayer as personal relationship and follow through on the consequences of that definition, then we will find that strong emotions, even strongly negative or painful emotions, are not foreign to prayer ... we will not know how deep the mutual love and trust is between God and us until we let him see us as we are. Only then, too, will we know that death and resurrection are one experience.

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I still don't understand why bad things happen or why God doesn't always seem to intervene to fix them. But it's a relief to have one person with whom I can be completely honest, even if what I reveal is deep anger. When I do so, sometimes it feels like Jesus/God goes away, but he always comes back.